The Daily Times

Another week. Another column.

I was thinking about sharing some hard-hitting prose about some topical issue. I considered writing a column about gay marriage, but Weekend Editor Steve Wildsmith beat me to the punch.

Bummer.

We had a lot of gay-related news this week, which would have likely found its way into the column. Stories about “gay dogs” in Jackson, Tenn., homophobic pro football players, gay American icons getting hitched, state Sen. Stacey Campfield, R-Knoxville, declaring another legislative jihad against gays.

I would have turned out a good column for you.

I also considered a column about gun control. But, I decided nobody would actually read it anyway. One section of this county would champion my words, carrying me off the proverbial field high atop their shoulders like “Rudy” or any other sports film for that matter. Others would fill up my inbox with scathing emails.

In my opinion, I didn’t think it was worth it. I don’t really want to enter a conversation in which nobody wants to hear what I have to say. There’s nothing worse than being a pretty face. It’s a problem that I routinely encounter. It’s tough being this beautiful, you know?

So, I was stuck at another impasse as I sat down to give you all another award-winning entry in the “My Way” chronicles. But, the gods smiled upon my plight.

As I settled down, the Smashing Pumpkins’ “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” came over those divine airwaves. In case you’re unfamiliar with this particular song, it starts with the lyrics: “The world is a vampire.”

As I look back on this column, I could have totally taken this one in a different direction, tonally speaking. I could have gone all dark, depressing, some emo-type rant about the true nature of life.

However, I’m not really *that* person. Am I? Oh, well. Who cares, right?

After about a half-second of (maybe not) actual cognition, I decided to take the literal approach with those lyrics. After all, I *love* vampires. More accurately, I love *some* vampires, because let’s get this one out on the table: Vampires are scary, and rightfully so. They could be anywhere and anyone.

At this point, I have to clarify a few things in the event that there’s someone reading this column who hasn’t advanced through puberty. When I talk about vampires, I’m not talking about the ones that sparkle in the sunlight, a la “Twilight.” Sparkling automatically makes fright null and void.

And the guys from “The Vampire Diaries” have to be omitted from my scary list. Sure, they’re capable of ripping heads off — and have done it in a few episodes — but they’re just so darn cute when they do it! Seriously, they spend half the show shirtless sometimes. It’s great.

When I was growing up, I refused to watch vampire shows and/or movies.

You can keep your Draculas and Lestats ­­— from “Interview With the Vampire.”

I’m not a big fan of scary movies, anyway. “Nightmare on Elm Street” made me worry about sleeping for weeks. But at least with beasties like Wolfman, Michael Myers, Chucky or inbred rednecks, I can see them coming and run my butt in the other direction. With vampires, they could be sitting right next to you, and you wouldn’t know it until it was too late. Folks, it won’t just be your ear that mysterious stranger nibbles on.

And, I’m well aware that vampires are characters in a book or on a screen. There isn’t one that lives next door, such as in “Fright Night.” So no, vampires don’t actually exist.

However, I want to be on the record as saying: If the world was a vampire, how *cool* would that be? Immortal, at least in conventional human terms. Scary as all get-out. Perfect features that never fade. The ability to blend in with its surroundings.

Wait a minute?

If I didn’t know better, I’d think that some of those attributes might apply to *actual* reality.

Now, I’m getting bummed out. Starting to feel like someone has gypped me. Did I seriously pay money for this type of entertainment?

“Hey, usher, can I get a refund? I paid for escapist entertainment!”

Amanda Greever is assistant managing editor at The Daily Times and is obviously taking cold meds. She writes a weekly column in the Sunday Life section. She can be reached at 981-1161 or (amanda.greever@thedailytimes.com) Follow her on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com _editor.