What do you know, Joe?
By Joe Black | (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You see interviews in magazines a lot these days.
I love those things. So I decided to conduct my own interview. Only this one is between me and my younger self.
Young Joe: So, what have you learned in 59 years?
Old Joe: Are you kidding me? Do you really think I want to share all that with you? It would only get you in trouble.
Young Joe: But what about women? I really can’t quite figure them out. The ones that I like, don’t really like me and the ones that I don’t really like that much, they seem like they are all in love with me.
Old Joe: Men of my generation are always saying “if I only knew then what I know now,” but I’m not so sure about that. As you and I both know, I really struggled with all things female but I think you’re supposed to. It’s how you learn. What I do know now is that you’ve got to respect them, treat them right, and make them laugh, and then they’ll all fall in love with you. Or I think they would.
Young Joe: Yeah, but through all that didn’t you end up with the “right” one? I mean, haven’t you guys been married like forever?
Old Joe: Yes I did and yes we have. I guess it just goes to show you that even a blind hog finds an acorn every once in a while.
Young Joe: What the heck does that mean?
Old Joe: I guess you’ll just have to figure that one out on your own.
Young Joe: OK, can we move on to the other most important thing in life? I play football and I really want to get good. Any tips?
Old Joe: Oh yeah. Hard work. Run. Lift weights. Eat right. Do what your coaches tell you to do. The same formula that has always worked.
Young Joe: But I work hard. I bag groceries at the White Store and haul hay just about every day in the summer and we just got that new Universal Gym at school and I get on it every once in a while. And boy if Coach Ratledge says jump, I say how high on the way up.
Old Joe: You have no idea. It’s about being dedicated to getting stronger and bigger. You’ve got to hit the weight room all year round. Like momma always tells you, eat your vegetables. Fried frog legs that you and Arthur Bright just caught won’t do you much good. And stay away from the bench press. It seems like all you do. It won’t really help you much.
Young Joe: Anything else? I really want to be a football star.
Old Joe: Quit worrying about being a star. Just be the best you can be (later, that will be a slogan for the U.S. Army but right now, you don’t really want to know about the Army what with Vietnam and all) and believe in yourself. Oh, and play everything. With you, it was all football, football, football. Your tennis helps but you should have played basketball and stayed out for the track team. You need to be more well rounded as an athlete.
Young Joe: But there aren’t many opportunities. You know that there’s not a public tennis court in town. No Little League, only Pinky Russell throwing curve balls at my head down at the ballpark. No basketball for kids. There’s not even a swimming pool.
Old Joe: Can’t help you much there, bud. Find a hoop. Swim in the river. And quit being afraid of getting outside your comfort zone.
Young Joe: Any regrets about your football days?
Old Joe: Only one. That I took the dive man (Troy Bowman) instead of the pitch man (Steve Mynatt) in the 1970 football game against Maryville. Mynatt scored on the play and they beat us 28-35 then went on to win the state championship. Stop Mynatt and we would have won State.
Young Joe: Yeah but doesn’t that mean that Bowman would have scored the winning touchdown?
Old Joe: Shut up, kid.
Joe Black, PT, DPT, SCS, ATC is a physical therapist and athletic trainer at Total Rehabilitation and is Manager of Outpatient Rehabilitation for Blount Memorial Hospital. Write to him at (email@example.com)