You’ve got mail?: Inbox overflows with witty epistles
By Linda Albert | (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Somehow or another, I have been added to some ... unusual ... email lists. Why? That’s a good question, considering the subject matter is not the normal fare for either my professional or personal life.
Opening email nowadays is quite exciting, and often not in a good way.
I either turn as red as a beet or exclaim to the room at large, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this.” Or sometimes both, depending on who’s walking past. It’s difficult to determine which reaction it will be because the subject line can be relatively innocuous — and then you see the text.
This week’s crop has been quite amusing. In fact, the entire month of February has been amusing with the onslaught of Valentine’s Day.
Although some are too risque to share here, see what you think of these:
• Subject line: “Relax at work and ease back pain with a bed of nails.” Makes sense, though.
The premise is that this is a mat consisting of “8,820 soft spikes that stimulate your body’s acupressure points,” like the beds of nails yogis used thousands of years ago. The best thing is, you can “simply wheel your desk chair back, lay the mat on the floor, lie down on top of it for 15 minutes and the spikes will work their magic to relax you and relieve your back pain.”
I wonder what our publisher would think if he walked by and saw me on the floor on a bed of nails?
• A book, “I’m Celibate ... Get Me Out of Here!” explores the world of online dating. I think I’ll let someone else review this one.
• Another new book: “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding The Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober).” See above.
• The subject line of this one gets to the bare facts of the email: “Nudist chic vs. disposable fashion.”
The body of the email (pun not intended) reads: “Nudists are fashionistas, too. It’s accessories, not wash-and-wear items, found in chic nudists’ wardrobes.”
• “Where’s this date heading? Let the rainbow decide,” is the subject line. The email goes on to say, “Is that a dud or a stud sitting across the table from you? ... The secret may not be in the chemistry but rather in the colors.”
• Subject line: “Your exclusive first look!” and the email itself: “Hold onto Your ‘Girls’ — Bosom Couture’s Boob Glue is Defying Gravity!” The company was “busting” with excitement to spread the news that “Boob Glue aesthetically enhances the appearance of the breasts by allowing women to perfectly position and ‘stick’ them exactly where they want them to stay.”
I’m sure the company will keep us abreast of the situation.
• Subject Line: “V-Day Survey Reveals Hottest Languages and Pick-Up Lines.”
The fascinating study reveals that “an international survey of more than 5,000 men and women (1,300 Americans) reveals if you speak a different language, 79 percent find you more attractive; 77 percent rate you as more intelligent.”
The most romantic languages from this survey? French, Italian and Spanish, in that order.
The top pickup lines, in the language of choice: “Where have you been all my life?” and “Can I get you a drink?” followed by “I lost my phone number — can I have yours?”
Are these people serious?
Those lines were moldy when I was a 20-something ... and that’s been awhile.
• Here’s one of the most romantic Valentine’s Day email subject line ever: “How to ask about an STD on V-Day.”
The body: “You may be tempted to further your relationship this Valentine’s Day with the guy/girl you are dating BUT experts are warning people to verify their STD status as incidents of STDs are continuing to grow. For example, gonorrhea in the U.S. has risen for the first time in decades and is resistant to most antibiotics.”
Nothing says “I love you” like exchanging STD reports, I reckon.
Linda Albert is Sunday Life editor and a staff writer for The Daily Times. Her column runs every Sunday in the Life section. You may contact her at 981-1168 or (email@example.com)