The Daily Times

It stands to reason that homeless and hopeless are only one letter apart.

Misty (not her real name) found herself staring both in the face recently after deciding to end a two-year relationship with a man who controlled her every move. He wouldn’t let her work because she might meet or talk to someone. She couldn’t make eye contact with people in public for fear of being accused of flirting. Phone calls, according to him, were just another tool to deceive. And there were two young children to think about.

This mom in her 30s at first checked with the local housing authority to seek emergency shelter, but unfortunately none was available. She then sought out Family Promise, a local agency that provides shelter for families with nowhere to go. Eventually, this determined young woman found her way to Haven House, a local emergency shelter for women who are victims of domestic violence. But even then, she didn’t feel like she belonged.

“I didn’t realize what I was going through was domestic violence,” she explained. “There was no physical abuse. He controlled me.”

After speaking to Haven House officials, Misty was convinced she needed to leave her toxic relationship and this was the best place for her. She and her two children had a room in a secure environment with others in the same situation. It would be a temporary home until she could find a permanent one.

For these women who are often afraid of retaliation from the husband or boyfriend, that sense of security is everything.

“The most dangerous time is the day (the women) leave, and the person loses control over them,” said Amy Canfield, shelter program manager at Haven House. Safety and security are top concerns at this emergency shelter for that reason, she explained.

For Misty, it was hard to grasp the idea of being homeless and what the future held for herself and her kids. She had always associated homelessness with beggars on the streets or those with alcohol or drug addictions. “It was just hard to put myself and homeless in the same sentence,” she said.

She arrived at Haven House months ago and began rebuilding her life. It took a little while, but Misty was able to obtain an apartment in another community and has a job she likes. She is even considering going back to school.

Believe in yourself

Canfield said Misty is not alone when it comes to feelings about homelessness and how to get past the stigma of it. Moms come to Haven House feeling like failures because they can’t provide a safe place for their children on their own.

It is Haven House’s mission to help them find their way while at the same time giving them a safe place to land.

And in Haven House’s 30 years of helping abused women, hundreds have made the transition from bad relationships to emergency shelter to permanent homes. Last year, there were 161 women who walked through these doors. “We stay full all the time,” Canfield said.

It was terrifying, Misty said, to uproot herself and her children and move into a shelter. She had her preconceived notions of what a ‘shelter’ was supposed to be — bunk beds stacked in a large room and an impersonal staff. Haven House couldn’t be further from that, Misty said. “It feels like a home.”

Time to heal

She can talk about her past because she has a bright future, thanks to Canfield and others at Haven House who see the importance of this mission. Canfield said more help is needed to get some of Blount County’s homeless population back on its feet.

Misty agrees with that, saying it’s an issue that doesn’t need to be shoved under the rug. She is adamant that teens be made aware of the forms of domestic violence, which is more that physical. “It should be taught in high school,” she said.

She needed extra time at Haven House, beyond the average stay of 14 days. Canfield said some are there for only a couple of nights. For others, the road back involves some complicated issues like housing, schools for the children, and a job.

“We are an emergency shelter but we won’t kick anybody out who has nowhere to go,” Canfield said. “It’s a real juggling act. We have people waiting to get in and at the same time there are some who just aren’t ready.”

Misty continues to keep in touch with new friends made at Haven House. Canfield said Haven House is like a lifeline for so many of these women and the relationship doesn’t end as they move on to start new lives.

The road to empowerment

Misty prefers to dwell on the positive now and enjoys that feeling of empowerment her hard work has produced.

“I was in a really dark place,” she said. “Coming here, I have been able to turn that around. I am very grateful.”

Because she was in a dangerous situation before coming to Haven House, Misty chose not to reveal her identity, especially with children to consider. When asked what name she wanted to go by, she gave it a long thought before coming up with the perfect one.

“Can I be Stronger in 2011?” she asked.

Sounds good.

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