All we want for Christmas is bacon ... on a plate, not in a gel
With Black Friday come and gone and the final month of the year commencing on Saturday, there are precious few shopping days left before Christmas.
Personally, I have yet to purchase a single item for anyone, but I’m not panicking. I still have more than three weeks, and my shopping will be relatively easy, especially for my significant other. Throughout the year, whenever The Wife expresses desire to own a particular item, be it shoes or kitchen gadgets or anything else, I make a note in my phone. And my son ... well, he’s 7. You could probably blindfold me, spin me around a few times and shove me through the front door of Toys R Us, and the first thing I knock off the shelf would suit him fine.
I do, however, take pity on The Wife and her attempts to purchase a Christmas gift for me. All wives/girlfriends/significant others, for that matter, deserve a little sympathy during the holiday season, because guys are notoriously difficult individuals when it comes to Christmas gifts.
The Wife has asked on several occasions what I would like to unwrap on Dec. 25, and my response is always the same: “You don’t have to get me anything.” Now, this is a true statement — I require no gifts — but were I to awaken Christmas morning and find nothing under the tree with my name on it, I’d be wounded. That’s the thing with us guys: We want you to buy us something, but we have no idea what it is we want.
Not specifically, anyway. There are some items that are sure-fire winners for most guys: Tools, for instance. Electronic gadgets. And then there are those gifts you might think would be ideal for the man in your life, but I assure you: They are most certainly not.
Take, for instance, the product for which I received an email this week: bacon-scented shaving cream.
I kid you not. This is an actual foam, designed to be whipped into a lather and smeared on the face for the purpose of whisker removal, that smells of pork. According to the press release, “J&D’s Bacon Shaving Cream™ is proudly made in America and is the highest quality meat-scented shaving cream on the market today.”
Couple of things here, ladies: If you discover this item and think, “My man loves bacon!,” do not assume we want to smell like bacon. Yes, the aroma of frying strips of pork brings a smile to our face, but that’s because we look forward to the eating of the bacon. And while this shaving cream may smell like bacon, nowhere does it say in the press release that it tastes like bacon. (It also doesn’t say that you shouldn’t eat it, but I’m assuming that’s a given.)
Ask any guy who prides himself on being a carnivore, and he will unequivocally tell you that bacon is perhaps the best food on the planet. By itself, on sandwiches, wrapped around a steak, crumbled up in soups or onto salads — bacon is the perfect meat. But some companies take it too far, and in so doing commit sacrilege against that most delicious of swine by-products.
Bacon-flavored lip balm ... bacon-flavored dental floss ... bacon-flavored soda ... bacon-flavored baby formula ... these are all real products that should never have been invented in the first place. And they should never, ever be given as Christmas presents, unless you happen to be attending a holiday function that requires a gag gift.
As a food — either the entree or as an accompaniment — bacon is damn near perfect. If Orthodox Jews were allowed by religious law to eat pork, I suspect God would have rained bacon down upon the Israelites during their flight out of Egypt; then again, they probably would have stayed in the desert. After all, if you’re in a place where it rains bacon every morning, I’d say you’ve pretty much found The Promised Land.
But when you start adding it as the base ingredient in things like lollipops or ice cream or mayonnaise (yes, there is an actual bacon-flavored, mayonnaise-like spread called Baconnaise), you’re crossing the line. And no self-respecting pork connoisseur would ever be so desperate as to lower themselves to eating such swill.
So make that rule No. 1, girls: No bacon-flavored shaving cream. (Or beef, or chicken, or any other scent that smells of a place where animals are slaughtered and served up on plates.)
We appreciate your desire for something different and unique, and your good intentions to provide us with something so closely associated with our favorite food, but there is a line you shouldn’t cross.
When it doubt, go with tools. Or a gift card. Because if we get a can of that shaving cream, disaster awaits.
Not that we’ll throw a fit. No, we’ll smile and tell you how much we love it, and we’ll probably dab a little on our face the next time we shave.
And then you’ll awaken in the middle of the night to our screams, flip on the light and discover that the family dog is chewing our cheeks off. Or get a phone call from our co-workers telling you that we were attacked by a bear in the parking lot of our workplace.
Not a pretty thought, is it? We don’t think so, either.
So in advance, thank you — for keeping bacon where it belongs, and for not turning our faces into bear bait.
Steve Wildsmith is the Weekend editor for The Daily Times. Contact him at (firstname.lastname@example.org) or at 981-1144.