Royal baby’s got nothin’ on a new Wildsmith
So the news of the week is the royal baby, George Alexander Louis, also known as the Prince of Cambridge, son of William and Kate and heir to the British throne.
The way American news agencies have acted, you might have forgotten that we went to war for independence from the crown back in the 1770s. Every network and news agency, it seems, has dispatched a correspondent to London, where we’ve received up-to-the-minute reports of the royal birth. Until Wednesday’s announcement of the tot’s name, there was endless debate as to what it would be; for the first half of every nightly news report this week, we’ve had to sit through mind-numbing speculation of whether Prince William will change his son’s nappy (that’s Brit-speak for diaper) and whether Aunt Pippa or Uncle Harry will babysit.
It’s a bit tiresome, actually, especially considering 370,000 babies are born every day worldwide. Granted, only one born earlier this week will sit on the throne of the British Empire, but really, other than the crown it’ll eventually get to wear decades from now — after dad, granddad and great-grandmum are put in the ground — what makes that baby so special?
I’ve got your answer: Nothing. At least, nothing more special than a Wildsmith baby, which will be arriving sometime in January.
That’s right: The Wife and I are expecting; her first child, my second, and just as much of a reason for admiring throngs to gather around Blount Memorial Hospital come early 2014 as crowds did around St. Mary’s in London this week.
In fact, I can think of seven reasons why Baby Wildsmith — still sexless, at least for another month or so — will be more awesome than George Alexander Louis.
No. 1: Royalty, schmoyalty! The son (or daughter) of two working-class parents, Baby Wildsmith is an infant of the people and for the people. There will be no butlers or maid, no wet nurses or nannies, to tend to his/her every need. He (or she) will earn his/her milk just as common infants do all over the world, crying madly at 3 a.m. until a groggy parent arises and meets his/her needs. And there are no castles, no country estates here: He (or she) will share a home with an older brother, two parents, three dogs and three cats. When Bruce Springsteen writes another album chronicling life in Middle America, Baby Wildsmith would fit well among those lyrics.
No. 2: When the kid arrives, it’ll have a name. Granted, it was only a few days until the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge decided upon a moniker for their son, but can you imagine being a hospital worker at St. Mary’s until then? Not only did the little tyke have no first name, it has no last name, at least not one that a single person outside of devoted royalists know! Did they just refer to it as “Royal Baby?” “Baby X?” “That rich kid in crib four?”
No. 3: Baby Wildsmith will have an older brother. Ezra will look out for and protect a younger sister and pick on and fight with a younger brother. Either way, both will have a little easier way in this world thanks to him. What does George have? The Queen’s Corgis?
No. 4: When Baby Wildsmith becomes a young adult and does something stupid, it won’t be published in newspapers around the world. Remember Prince Harry’s little Las Vegas tryst from last year? I don’t remember the exact details and don’t care enough to look it up, but I remember he was photographed in the buff in a hotel room, and shortly thereafter tabloids around the world were falling all over themselves to publish pictures of the Royal Arse. The most Baby Wildsmith has to worry about is winding up on the front page of Just Busted.
No. 5: Baby Wildsmith’s grandparents will be better than the prince’s. Seriously. The Wife’s mother is already buying baby clothes and has claimed first dibs as the child’s first sitter; the elder Wildsmiths are overjoyed and may fight her for the privilege. Regardless, I’m thinking their devotion will be much more hands-on and affectionate than that of Prince Charles, who strikes me as the stuffy sort of guy who would probably leap to his feet and drop his grandson on his head if the kid happens to shower him in baby vomit.
No. 6: Taste in music. It may seem like no big deal to most people, but it is to me. I daresay George will not have been exposed to the breadth of music by the time he’s 7 as Ezra has been and Baby Wildsmith will be as well. Wildsmith offspring, by nature of their musical upbringing, are simply cooler. That may not seem like much, but when you don’t have a net worth of more than $1 billion, you take what you can get.
No. 7: Baby Wildsmith will have an actual last name. And not just any last name — Wildsmith. Not Smith ... not Jones ... not Cambridge or Wales or Mountbatten-Windsor (all of which could be the child’s last name, by the way). Wildsmith. And while the newest member of the Wildsmith clan may be a commoner, there’s nothing common about that name.
So take that, Georgie Boy. You may have the crown, but over here on the other side of the pond, we’ve got style and panache. And that’s something no amount of king’s gold can buy.
Steve Wildsmith is the Weekend editor for The Daily Times. Contact him at (email@example.com) or at 981-1144.