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Three times over the past two weeks, I've found myself at a loss for words.

Their eyes plead for a solution or an explanation or just some assurance that everything will be OK ... but I can't give them what they want. Because deep down, they want what every family member of an addict or an alcoholic wants -- for it all to go away.

The harsh reality is that it won't, and most of the time, things will get worse for their addicted loved one before they get better.

I can offer suggestions. I can share my experience, strength and hope. I can do what every other recovering person would do -- recite the sayings and slogans that we learn in the programs to which we belong, those pearls of wisdom that are maddening in their simplicity, repetitive in their monotony and profound in their truth. We hear them repeated over and over again, and for a good reason -- because they're beacons that provide us with comfort, solace and guidance on our journey.

But while those slogans offer those of us in recovery some comfort, they seem somehow ineffective when faced with the sobs of a terrified mother, panic-stricken over discovering her 18-year-old son who's just returned from an eight-month stay in a rehabilitation program is already selling drugs ... or the tear-stained face of an 84-year-old grandmother whose heart is breaking because she sees her grandson slipping from her loving grasp ... or the frustration on the face of a woman who can't seem to persuade other relatives to make hard decisions that are necessary for the preservation of a family unit.

The truth, unfortunately, is this -- there is no "solution," no magic pill or elixir or injection that will make someone "stop" being an addict or an alcoholic. Addiction and alcoholism are chronic, progressive and fatal diseases, and they're incurable. They are, however, manageable -- providing the addict or alcoholic wants to get better.

And that, I believe, is the hardest thing of all for a loved one to hear, and even harder to accept -- until the addict or alcohol wants help ... wants to get better ... then there's nothing mothers and fathers and siblings and grandparents and best friends can do. No argument, accusation, persuasion or pleading will make a dent in the resolve of an addict or an alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge they have a problem. No amount of confrontation, intervention or consequence will have an impact if the addict or alcoholic clings to the lies they've told themselves, and everyone else, for so long.

But there is hope. There's always hope, because denial isn't a permanent state, and unwillingness to admit there's a problem or do anything about it isn't a steadfast decision; at least, not where addicts or alcoholics are concerned. I speak from experience, because I was one of those -- I convinced myself and everyone else that I didn't have a problem, and I held tight to that illusion for years. Even when I realized something was wrong, I wanted to get better for all of the wrong reasons -- to keep a job or appease my family.

But finally, I reached a place in my addiction that we refer to as a "bottom" -- a point where I was spiritually bankrupt, emotionally drained, physically devastated and mentally exhausted. I reached a point where I was too tired to keep living but too afraid of dying. I existed in that netherworld between life and death, and it was a hellish existence that I finally grew tired of. In other words, I became willing to admit that my life was unmanageable and that I could not control my addiction.

That, in essence, is the first step in the recovery journey. It's one everyone who's in a recovery program makes ... the disheartening thing is that it's not a step every addict or alcoholic does make. Because there are graveyards filled with those addicts and alcoholics who held fast to their denial and their lies and the comfort of their miserable familiarity until it killed them.

But it doesn't have to be that way. Life is a series of choices, and deciding to seek recovery is a choice any addict or alcoholic can make, at any stage of their disease -- whether they're only a few years in and have suddenly realized the gravity of their situation or have been drinking and drugging for decades.

They have a choice -- and so do their loved ones. They can love the afflicted person and hate the disease; offer support if the addict or alcoholic in their lives chooses to do something about their problem; and first and foremost, take care of themselves and the others whose lives the addict or alcoholic has affected. Starting with a family support group such as Al-Anon is something I can't recommend strongly enough; seeking spiritual advisement and counseling from someone who understands the nature of addiction and alcoholism is another means of support.

Because they're not alone. Addiction and alcoholism are family diseases -- those directly affected may tell everyone that tired old lie about not harming anyone but themselves, but every loved one with an addict or an alcoholic in their lives knows different.

Steve Wildsmith is a recovering addict and the Weekend editor for The Daily Times. Contact him at steve.wildsmith@thedailytimes.com or at 981-1144.