Why does he do that? Inside the mind of an emotional abuser
Originally published: November 22. 2009 3:01AMLast modified: November 19. 2009 9:15PM
Foothills Christian Counseling
Lundy Bancroft is a counselor who has worked with abusive and controlling men for 20 years. He believes that abusive behavior is driven by an inflated sense of entitlement and by these core beliefs, values and attitudes about ownership and control of women:
n It's your job to do things for me, even things that are my responsibility.
n You should not place demands on me; you should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
n I am above criticism.
n I am a loving, giving partner. You're lucky to have me.
n I know better than you do, even about what's good for you.
n If you disagree with me, you're mistreating me.
n As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
n If I don't control everything you do, you'll do it wrong.
n You have no right to anyone or anything else in your life except me.
n You have no right to be strong or independent.
n Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
n If you met my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women.
n Women are here to serve men.
n You belong to me.
n I've had it so hard in life that I'm not responsible for my behavior.
n Women have done me wrong; if you complain or ask for anything, you're just like the rest.
n I decide when we are going to have sex and you have no right to say "no."
n You have no right to defy or leave me.
Bancroft identifies these benefits of being an abuser and points out that they are powerful incentives for abusers to remain the same:
n The intrinsic satisfaction of power and control
n Getting his way, getting to do what he wants and being able to skip the rest
n Having someone to blame and to take his problems out on
n Free labor from her; leisure and freedom for him
n Being the center of attention, with priority given to his needs
n Financial control
n Having the public status of being a husband and father without the sacrifices
From "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," by Lundy Bancroft.
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